the blues are back

the blues are back the depression is back the thoughts of suicide are back i can see them in my head a razorblade slicing my wrist the images of self-mutilation except that i wont do it i've been working hard the past couple of years to recognize when it shows its ugly face but it is really difficult to fight I never meant for my family to have to deal with this it makes me sad that my wife is afraid to leave me alone with my children but i guess she is right to be concerned because i sometimes snap and it can become pretty ugly  i know it is for me  it makes me tired i'm so tired right now i cannot focus or concentrate i cannot make clear decisions i can do almost nothing right so i won't slash my wrists because i would probably fuck that up, too
i didn't ask to be like this i wish i could be happy but there is no magic pill, at least not for me i tried them and they made it worse
i am just really tired