Things I want to tell those close to about depression, but will probably never say

Depression can suck the life out of some people, but that's not me. For some weird reason I can go on. I don't know why, and it can be a struggle some days, but not everyday. Possibly the single most difficult thing to get people to realize is that my average good day probably feels like your average bad day. Our baselines are different. Keep that in mind next time you want to ask if I'm okay because the answer is both yes and no. I don't state this to make anyone feel sorry for me or those like me, but it is a good place to start. Another way of looking at it is to compare energy levels. If you are a person who gets tired at night and knows when it's time for bed, then consider that is how I often feel when I wake up in the morning. We basically experience the world in very different ways sometimes. 

Here are some things to consider:

1. Yes, I have had this feeling for as long as I can remember. It started when I was a young child, so it is all I have known. 

2. No, I'm not mad at you. In fact, I like you a lot. Unfortunately, life can make the world a complicated place, so if my body language makes you feel uncomfortable, that isn't my intention. 

3. Yes, I do get angry. Actually, I have the ability to become absolutely and uncontrollably furious. I try to do that in private as much as possible, but it does surface when I am around others. There is a very logical explanation for the dents in the refrigerator. They coincide with the reason why some of my fingers are crooked and why it hurts to close my hand into a fist. 

4. This is as difficult to write as it probably is for you to read, but I am suicidal. I haven't killed myself yet, which means I am able to keep it under some control. Still, it is there in the background playing like an annoying radio station. Trust me, I don't like the idea of suicide, but it is a very real part of who I am. 

5. I don't want to hurt anyone else, and I honestly feel terrible for everything inhave done wrong and every person I have hurt during those times when I wasn't able to control myself appropriately. There is no way to list everything, but I do try to stop engaging in actions or saying things that might hurt you. Unfortunately, if I stopped foing everything, then there is no real point to live, except to live a life other than mine. 

Sometimes i feel like everyone would be better off if I just put a bullet in my head. No one gives a fuck about me. No one listens to fucking thing I say. No one fucking cares about anything I say or do in thins world FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like everyone fucking hates me so much that they completely ignore me except when they want something from me.