I have no idea why I have the sensation of dropping of into the oblivion of sleep at 10:30, then snap awake only to lie awake until I finally decide to get out of bed at 1:30 a.m. to distract myself. It isn't like I really have that much to think about, but for some reason my brain just won't shut off. The Advil PM stopped working weeks ago, the Nyquil hasn't been of any use for days, and and a handful of melatonin doesn't do the trick. I have that bottle of Ambien in the medicine chest, but I stopped using it after I couldn't remember words like cat and pen. The doctor told me it can do that, so since I am an English teacher, I figured it might be best to leave that stuff alone.
So here I sit, in this comfortable brown leather recliner, legs propped up with my laptop sitting on my lap, where it belongs, typing out the words that won't let me sleep.It has been this way for some time now. Decades. I don't know what it is, but the words, any words strung together into random thoughts just run incessantly through my brain. Naturally, everyone has a magic remedy for this affliction, but none of them work. Just relax, some will tell me. Concentrate on each part of your body as it relaxes and allows you to drift off. The problem is that I cannot hold that thought long enough to even let my toes relax. It is sad really. Others suggest teas and herbs. Some believe I should practice meditation. All well meaning. All made with the purest of intentions. None of them work.
Even though I would love to simply let myself go, my chapped lips, the work that needs to be completed, and the grand plans I have for tomorrow will not allow me to sleep. My eyes burn and my heart pounds. The night time sounds of a running refrigerator, a whirring cable box, a distant siren, and blades of overhead aircraft all keep me going in the dark of morning when partiers empty the bars and head home drunk and oblivious. I remember those days when I would pass-out and later wake up with a pounding headache and churning stomach. Thankfully, those days are mostly gone.
While walking past the kitchen window, I might see a raccoon or possum walking along the deck railing, exploring the the world we have created that backs up, so unforgivably, to their canyon home. At night, it is dark and noisy down there with all of those creatures scurrying through the brush, trying to avoid some predator. An owl swoops here, a coyote stalks there, and those damned rattlesnakes are everywhere waiting to sink their fangs into a meal. I particularly hate the snakes. I chop off their heads whenever they come to close. I know they eat the rats and mice, which I appreciate, but they also bit people like my children, or my dogs or cats.
So I have a problem with insomnia. Yes this is a real problem; for example, it is almost 2:00 am and I haven't slept tonight. Also, I need to get up at six in the morning for work. You see, problem. Unfortunately, sleeping pills and faux meditation don't help me fall asleep, so maybe writing will.If nothing else, maybe I will write something interesting, but beware that it will all be made up of lies. After all, I am a delusional insomniac with nothing but words running through my head, down my arms, and into the keyboard. The difficult part is to type quiet enough so that I don't wake anyone up, and still type fast enough to hold a line of thought. I say it is impossible, but hey, that's what revision is for, right? Right on, right on.
Hurry, let's get on with it. Onward with the lies.
Now, if I could only get people to believe it all, then I could start an entirely new religion.
