Suicide note 5

I think I can say with confidence that I am not a good father or husband. I am a disappointment. My wife stays by my side because she took a vow, and my kids stay by my side because they do not know any better. They would all be better without me. Then I would stop holding them back. 

The riotous mass

The Riotous Mass

The riotous mass of bone

And hair 

And flesh concealed behind masks

Collectively heave-ho the indescribable

The unmentionable

Agony of memory near 

And far

Into the air

But that twisted face of barbarism

Does nothing more than allow itself 

To be flung into the air

And hang ever so patiently

Quietly

Like fresh bedsheets on the line

During a spring afternoon

Until it is taken down and passed to 

Another generation 

To be draped under the weight

Yet again. 

Suicide Note 4

I am sorry that I couldn't be the father you wanted for your children. I am sorry that I was so ridiculous whenever I took them to softball practice, to baseball practice, to soccer practice, to their games, to the doctor, and to therapy. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for ever taking our precious little angels to school, and heaven forbid, I actually picked them up and did homework with them. I am sure I must have completely destroyed every ounce happiness each time I went outside to play basketball or catch. It must have been terrible of me to sit through a church basketball league when I clearly almost vomited each time I walked into that unholiest of buildings, and alas, I was constantly struck by lightening for being such a non-believer. And in front of the kids nonetheless.
So again, I offer my sincerest apologies, but that will no longer be of any consequence to you or the children, as I will be gone. I did finish the laundry, but won't be able to make dinner tonight. There are left-overs in the refrigerator.
Love,
M    

Suicide Note 3

I am sorry that I couldn't be enough for you. I said that we would be together until the end, and I kept that promise, but that was an unfair promise for you to have to keep. Now you can be free of burden I presented in your life. You truly deserve someone much better than me. I hope the kids aren't too much for you to handle. Just tell them that daddy went for a walk. I am at the bottom of the canyon on the other side of the ridge so neither you nor the kids have to see what I have become. 

Love,

M

Here, it is revealed that the idyllic landscapes of poets and painters is a sham.
In it's place, we are left with the empty facsimile presented by real estate developers and organic fruit companies selling a carefully crafted memory where the trees are oh so green and the sun rises into brilliant blue sky.
Somewhere in the distance a bird spreads it's wings in flight.
A dog lazily rests in the shade.
And smiling children play games while their hard-working parents sip on fresh-squeezed lemonade.

This is a place where disbelief has been willfully suspended.
This is a place where the smiles are real, but no one is quite sure why. 

Teacher

One of the most interesting things about being a teacher is that I am, by proxy, an actor. I don't get paid millions of dollars, but then again I am also not required to be as handsome as those movie star types. I also don't have the pressures to keep up the good looks that I do not possess. Nonetheless, I am an actor everytime I walk on campus. From the moment my left foot plops down on that weather beaten asphalt I put on my game face. I try to speak only when appropriate, and I sure try to say the correct thing. I nod in agreement when I want to call someone a dumbfuck. I might say, "That is surely an interesting perspective on the matter," whe I really want to say, "Go read a goddamned book for once, and after you have seriously thought about the bullshit you just sad, then come back (in ten years maybe) and then let's have a more realistic conversation on the matter." But I don't say those things. I smile. And I nod.  And I allow so many people to utter such nonsense while I look on, eyes half glazed over looking for some alternate universe where those half-thought out words might be adequate. 

Your distance is a fire