Suicide is a crazy thought, I know. But it is also very real; and for as irrational as it is, the idea of taking my own life has been there since I was a child. It is so normal to me, which makes it that much scarier. Fortunately, I have no intention of doing it. In fact, I have actually become so afraid of dying that I have a difficult time falling asleep; and prolonged sleeplessness isn't good for anyone. And that brings me back to the beginning: suicide. It is a cycle. Anger to depression to thinking about ending it all, which is the most depressing of all, then the realization of the finality of it and how it would affect my family. So I lie awake, thoughts racing through my brain and before I know it, the sun is up and there's a new day to face. One more chance to get it right.

As a child I used to wish that the bad guys would win sometimes. When I became older, I realized that the bad guys usually win, but they aren't the bandits I saw on television. They are the real shadow people. The real bad guys wear suits and we never hear their names. 

The shadows are always there. Always.

I can't commit suicide because I need to be here to help raise my kids. But when I lose my head I wonder whether or not they would be better of without me.

I understand perfectly well why someone puts a bullet in his own head to save his family. I understand why people sometimes loathe themselves. I do not understand why they destroy others to destroy themselves.

One thing I dislike about being an atheist is that I don't believe in an afterlife. When I die I'm just done. We all are. That means I will never meet my maker, I won't see my mother ever again, and worst of all I won't be able to help guide my children from beyond the grave. This is a real problem for me because I really love my family. In fact, I love them so much that I never want to leave them, but never is an impossibility that sometimes tears me to pieces.

Sometimes your words are the droplets of drizzle scattered across my ears on a windy day.